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PROBLEMS?

1/ 4/2005

Help is at hand from Sister Raz

Dear sister Raz

I work in a takeaway and recently found out that my colleague has been stealing money from the counter when no one else is around.
I caught him red handed a couple of weeks ago and told him it wasn't right but he has been carrying on stealing. He has even told me that I should do the same.
He won't listen to me but at the same time I don't want to tell the boss over him. He has four children to look after and will lose his job if I tell, but he can't go on stealing like this either. I don't know what to do.

Dear Friend

You are right to tell him what he is doing is wrong. If he has four children and depends on this job, he should realise what he has to lose. However, as he is prepared to risk everything and is not sorry that you are also aware of what he is doing, or even worried that you might report him, I think he maybe taking advantage of your good nature.
Therefore, you should be more firm and maybe give him an ultimatum, to either stop what he is doing or to lose everything. Sometimes it is shock that triggers realisation. However, if that does not stop him, then it is only fair that you do not have to lie for him.

Dear sister Raz

My parents think I'm at university studying for a law degree but in fact I quit six months into the course and for the past two years have been following my dreams of becoming a musician/singer. My parents have no idea as they would not agree with my choice of career and they feel getting a degree is the only way forward for me. I am now worried because summer is the time when I was supposed to have finished the degree and my parents are already talking about attending my "graduation".

Dear Friend

You have every right to lead your own life and follow your own dreams. If you live somebody else's life and fulfil their dreams, it may make them happy but will it really make you happy?
It sounds to me that your family are important to you, and you obviously have love and respect for them. Which should be enough for your family. And I'm sure that if you tell them the truth, they will eventually be happy for you and appreciate your love and respect for them.
It is time to start leading your life openly and proudly.

Dear sister Raz

It has always been tradition to marry cousins in the family. In fact that is the rule of the house and anybody who marries outside of the family is automatically made an outcast. I have recently met a girl who I really like. Although she is Pakistani like myself, she is not from our village in Pakistan and she is not related and I know my parents will never agree. My parents have already told me if I marry it will have to be my aunts daughter, who I get along with but I only see her as a cousin. I feel like running away at this rate. I feel as though my feelings do not matter to anybody.

Dear Friend

Make your feelings matter. You are important. Your feelings and your choices are important. You are a valuable member of the family. And to be made to feel otherwise means some changes need to be made.
Yes it is good to have a successful marriage, and to find love and happiness. And maybe this will set a good example for your younger brothers and sisters. Yet I struggle to understand what the good examples or benefits are from marrying "cousins from inside the family". Or even "from the same village". It is a cultural balloon which will burst sooner or later. It is also a health issue to only marry cousins, as the same genes are kept in the family. Therefore do not let it stop you from what could be your long term happiness.

Dear sister Raz

I fell in love with my now husband seven years ago, and despite the families disapproval we got married. Things were great between me and my husband at the beginning. And although I had a hard time from his family it was ok, as I was with my husband. However, about two years into the marriage my husband completely changed. I never know of his whereabouts now. He never takes me out, and I don't even exist for him other than fulfiling his needs. I still love him, but I can see his feelings have changed.
Now things have become unbearable for me here. I dream of leaving and getting my own life back, but don't know where to start, as I'm not really in touch with any of my former friends. And I certainly don't want my family to have to pick up any pieces for me.
What shall I do?

Dear Friend

One option would be to see where it has all gone wrong with your husband. If things were really good between you once, maybe it is worth at least trying to see why he has changed, and if you could restore any of that. However, if nothing does come of it, it would probably be best if you did move on. As it is unhealthy for you to live in such conditions. And to do that I think you should take up any opportunities for short term, even if that means contacting an old friend or staying a little while at your families.
In the long run you can seek help from various organisations, for accommodation, a job and maybe rebuild your life again.Everyone deserves to be happy, and that includes you. You can not live to simply serve others needs.