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PROBLEMS?

29/ 4/2005

Help is at hand from Sister Raz

Dear Sister Raz

I am in a financial mess and don't know what to do. I recently purchased a house and have spent all my savings on the deposit etc and now I have a huge mortgage to pay. I thought I will be able to make the monthly payments because my husband promised he will help me. But he isn't contributing at all and I am not able to manage.
Previously we lived in a small terraced property and the rent was very cheap so I paid for everything and my husband never contributed. I thought by moving to our own house he will realise he has responsibilities and pay up, but he hasn't. We always argue about money and I am just fed up. It's not as if I ever asked him to look after me, I just want everything to be equal and if he can't do it then I'm thinking maybe I am better off without him.

Dear Friend

I'm not sure which is affecting you more, your financial ordeal or the partnership problem. With having a mortgage you can weigh up your options. Either you can afford to live in the property and pay the mortgage, or you may have to go back to paying rent live somewhere affordable. However, a marriage is different, as it requires commitment, love, loyalty, compromise and so much more.Maybe you need to have a think about why your husband's commitment is not there, and what is causing you to feel better off alone.

Dear Sister Raz

I am 19 and of Pakistani origin but as my parents were born in the UK in a lot of ways I grew up as English. I am at college and live in college flats in Manchester. I have become friendly with a guy from the same block as me. I have always thought he was a very nice person. But 12 weeks into our relationship I am beginning to be afraid he is using me as a sex toy.
If I go for a bath or shower he follows me in an wants sex. He wants it while we're watching TV and even outside.
Even though I do enjoy it I am beginning to think that sex is all he ever wants from me. Should I finish with him or shut up moaning. He obviously likes me a lot.

Dear Friend

Coming from a Muslim background I have my own personal beliefs based on my religion. However, to answer your question quite simply, I would ask you how much you value yourself? And what do you want out of a relationship, be it a friendship, marriage or whatever. As a person you have self-respect, self-worth etc. And to be made to feel an object to another's needs is simply unacceptable. At 19 you have your whole life ahead of you. Be generous to those who respect you, and always be your own person.

Dear Sister Raz

I am a 15-year-old boy in high school. I consider myself to be a nice honest person but people don't seem to like me because I am overweight. I have always been overweight and have been called all sorts of names, and now I am used to being called a fatty. The more I get taunted the more I eat and there doesn't seem to be anything that I can do about it. I wish the kids in school will just get to know me instead of taunting me all the time. I generally enjoy going to school as I love learning but recently the jibes have been quite bad and I have been skipping classes. I really want to lose weight but don't know where to start. I also want to let people know that you shouldn't care what others look like on the outside, it's what is inside that really counts.

Dear Friend

Unfortunately sometimes people single you out because of your good nature and personality. And their purpose is to bring you low and make you feel the way you are feeling at the moment. You should not have to lose out on your valuable education or even lose weight for other's lack of maturity. Therefore, you need to break this cycle and stick up for your rights, and you do not have to be alone in this, seek support from others whether classmates, teachers, guidance workers etc. And, if your parents are aware of this they can also support you. Unfortunately, sometimes a course of action is the only way to make people aware of the incongruity and unacceptability of their conduct. You sound like a nice boy and I am sure good people will appreciate and value this.

Dear Sister Raz

I am the eldest son of a quite large family. My dad has been ill with cancer for a long time now and doctors have put him on bed rest as there is nothing they can do for him now. The problem is my brothers, mum and uncles have started arguing about who will get the share of the land and house in Bangladesh. My dad always believed that everything the family owns should stay in the family and that nothing should be split up. However, the arguments at home have become so bad that many of my relatives are not talking to each other. I have tried and explained to my dad that he needs to draw up a will and sort out the estate but he refuses to do that and now he has become so weak that I don't want to put pressure on him. I wanted his last few days with us to be peaceful but there seems to be a war going on around him. How can I put a stop to all this bickering?

Dear Friend

Cancer is a very difficult illness to deal with, especially at its final stages. Your father would already have a lot to cope with, without having to think about material values at this point. Maybe it would have been ideal for your family if he left a will, yet since he has not, for those who love him and appreciate what he is going through should concentrate on him and give him all the support he needs. As the only person realising this, you need to make your family aware that they may sort out what they need or want at a later date, but what is important now is to make your fathers last days as comfortable as possible, as there is a time and place for everything, and this is his time.

You can write to Sister Raz at : Sister Raz, Asian News, Observer Buildings, Drake Street, Rochdale, OL16 1PH or e-mail her on: asiannews@gmwn.co.uk