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Problems? Sister Raz is here to help
24/ 2/2006
Dear sister Raz
Me and my wife have been having some personal problems lately. I
feel the only way to work things out is to sit down, talk things
over and come to a compromise. But my wife's interfering sister
told her the only solution to our problem is to have a baby. Now
she is set on getting pregnant and has even come off the pill. I
don't think this is the time to have any babies.
We both discussed in the past that we will plan for a family when
we BOTH felt it was right. But this is only her decision and it is
not very fair on me. She is not reasoning with me at all on this
matter and her sister has even been looking on the Internet with my
wife for baby names. Please help, how do I make her understand that
a baby would not solve our problems but may create even
more?
Ali, Manchester
Dear friend
Your wife is probably finding it difficult to see other options in
how to deal with the problems you are having and is taking this
advice from her sister very seriously as her only option. Perhaps
she has not rationally thought through what it really means to have
a baby. It is probably one of the most important decisions you both
ever make, therefore it is vital that you are both ready in every
way, including financially and emotionally.
It would not be fair to have a child as a solution to personal
problems, since the problems may still remain even after you have
the child. And as you both seem quite determined to work things
out, good communication and compromising will take you a long way.
You could also consider talking to someone professional like the
organisation Relate. Even if it may only help you both to start
talking properly.
Dear Sister Raz,
I have the most interfering in-laws in the world and they are
making my life a living hell. First of all I just don't get along
with them especially because I eloped with their only daughter. But
after five years of marriage we are quite happy together and things
would be even better if it wasn't for them interfering all the
time.
My mother-in-law is a wicked witch and would just love to see us
split up because my wife didn't marry her nephew in Pakistan. She
feels I came along and disrupted her big plan. Why can't she just
be happy for us and see that her daughter has a wonderful husband
who looks after her and loves her a lot. Without having to pack her
up in a suitcase and sending her off to space what can I do to stop
the meddling?
Karim, Stockport
Dear friend
It sounds like the main problem lies with your mother in-law rather
than your in-laws in general. As she is your wife's mum you can not
stop her from being a part of your life unless your wife wants
that. However, you may be able to reduce the stress the situation
is obviously causing you.
Firstly you and your wife need to be able to talk about this, and
if you both agree, then you can work together and try not to take
any notice of her interfering. If you can acknowledge what she is
doing but not react to it, and continue doing things your way. And
also when it's appropriate let her know that you both do not
appreciate whatever it is she is doing. I think seeing that she can
not make a difference in your lives, after trying for a while she
may give up or at least cut down.
Dear Sister Raz
I am a 20 year old man. I used to work but left my job because my
parents wanted me to get married. The problem I face is that I have
a girlfriend. I want to tell my parents about her but can't because
they will be violent against me. They won't understand me due to
their old-fashioned way thinking. I want to run away but can't
because of my little siblings and the effect it might have on
them.
I love my girlfriend loads but can't marry her because we are from
different castes and my parents won't accept it. My girlfriend has
told her parents. She wanted to run away as well but decided
against it because her dad has already suffered a heart attack due
to previous family problems. The problem is that my family will
never accept her. She said she will kill herself if I don't marry
her. I do not know who to please, my family or my love? At the end
of the day I don't want to lose either because I love them both.
Please help me, it's very urgent!!!!!
Anxious, Manchester
Dear friend
It sounds like there are a lot of issues here. First of all you
should not be living under the fear of violence, and neither should
your younger brothers or sisters. If you want to speak to someone
about this there are helplines you can access (see below for
details).
You say you consider running away, this will not necessarily solve
any problems. If you want to marry her, then you should be able to
do that with your parents blessings. However, I realise that
parents don't always see it that way, but if you make each other
happy and feel you can spend the rest of your lives together, then
make the choice and stick to it. And your parents will either
eventually be happy for you, but if they choose not to, then
although it's sad, you have to remember that it is a choice they
have made, and not one you have forced them to make.
Some useful telephone numbers
Samaritans 08457 90 90
90. This is a 24 hour confidential emotional helpline support for
anyone in a crisis
National Domestic Violence Helpline
08457 023 468.
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now the problem is that, I alwasy wanted to make sure that I fall in love with someone who is my caste cause i don't my parents getting effected by this again. Also my dad just got a bypass operation and i dont want to make him get weeker. So i rejected many b4 getting into relationship, but now I have a girl friend who is very caring, and loving. She is someone i can't ever find for my self, but later today.. after 3 years of beeing wiht her, I find out that she is not the same caste as me. I am so worried.....I don't know what to do....I don't know if i should be there for my parents or for my girl. My parents are in a critical condition and my girl friend is also have faced through many depressions in her past (because someone messed up her life). I want to be there for her and be a carring husband, also want to be there for my parents who is sufferenig due to there healthy condition. I am not sure what to do, it seems like..I have to loose something. Even my self messed up universisty due some other problems i was facing in the past. Now I got over with all of that and trying to get thinks back on track, and i find this problem. My girl is reason for me to ge tback on track and she was there for me and helped out throught all the problems i was facing. i can't let her go for my parents cause she was there for me and i can't let go my parents cause they r also a caring parents. they lived all ther life for me..... I can understand my parents too cause, I seen how much they went throught.
My parents also know i have a girl friend they r all k with it but they think she is same caste as me. Thats how i told them but now i find out that she is different what i am .... so now too sure, how to handle this problem. I dont want to talk about this problme to my girlfriend cause she is going sacrifies he feelings for my parents. cause she is very caring. The reason that i couldnt' find out weather if she was same cast as me cause she lived all her life in Canada where she don't know anything about caste or her slef know what caste she is in. So if i explain her the situation she will do anything for me and say, please dont hurt ur paernts and live for them. but thats not what i want to do it for her, she is vary caring and i want to be there for her and i want to be there for my paretns. Can u please, give my some ideas... i am strugling each and every seconds without knowing what to do ... please help me....I dont want to put my parents to go through similar depression situation once again or my girl friend in to a depression situation. please help
10/03/2006 at 06:43