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Problems? Sister Raz is here to help

10/ 7/2006

Dear Sister Raz

I am 51 and have been married for a long time. Recently my husband went away on holiday and got married again to a younger woman. He came back and told me what he'd done expecting me to accept it and carry on as normal, but I refused to do that.
He's now asking me to give him an English law divorce but remaining married in Islamic law so that he can bring her over. I told him there is no way I am going to do that, and so he's not speaking to me now.
My daughters have offered for me to go and stay with them, but the house is half mine and I've lived there all my life, I don't want to be the one to move out. I'm also scared of going my own way at my age. I know people are talking about me and don't feel like going out anymore.

Dear friend

It sounds like you have made your decision about what you want and have been frank with him about it. If he's not speaking to you and simply presenting his expectations in front of you, he's not really taking responsibility for what he has done, as all actions have consequences and this certainly effects both of you.
If you don't want to move out but know that you can't live this way, despite the feelings between you, you both need to talk through what your options are. You have been married for a long time and are financially attached with having a house together, neither of you can simply walk away without coming to a compromise. Once you sort out living and financial arrangements, you need to be strong and get on with your life, I understand it will be difficult but it's a decision your husband has made which you had no control over.

Dear Sister Raz

I am worried about my older sister. She is a student at university and recently started losing weight. I fear she has an eating disorder because she either does not eat or eats and makes herself sick.
As a teenager she was never skinny like the other girls. She was a size 14 and I would say slim for her height. But after going to university she has become obsessed with her weight and has come down to a size eight and is still losing weight.
She looks gaunt and not healthy at all. Every time me or my mum try and tell her she ignores us and thinks we are jealous of her new figure. I am extremely worried because she lives away from home and if she carries on there will be nothing left.

Dear friend

It is only natural that you are worried for her. But really all you can do is support her. Until she realises herself what is going on for her, she will think you are wrong. And as frustrating as it is, it could take her a long time to acknowledge it.
You can let her know that you are there for her if she wants to talk about anything. Let her know that you won't tell her what to do and judge her, but simply listen to and support her. If at any point she does tell you anything, and you feel it is appropriate, give her information about where she can turn to for professional opinion/help and encourage her to speak to her GP and they can refer her on accordingly. Be patient and give her space.
You can contact the Eating Disorders Association on 0845 634 1414/7650

Dear Sister Raz

I recently married. It was an arranged marriage and one I was happy to go along with because my wife is pretty, intelligent and when I met her I thought we hit it off really well. But since our wedding she has hardly spoken to me let alone come anywhere near me. I have tried speaking to her about it but she just ignores me and walks out of the room.
I have asked her whether she was forced into marriage or whether there was someone else in the picture before we married but she refuses to answer me and carries on as if everything is normal. Nobody in my family know what is going in as we both act normal in front of other people but behind closed doors it's a different story. I just want some indication as to where this marriage is going.

Dear friend

Maybe you can try writing to her if she is not speaking to you, or see if she would go away with you somewhere, where it's just the two of you, as sometimes it can be uncomfortable to discuss important things when you don't have the space to speak out aloud, especially if you don't know each other very well.
But unless you know why she is shutting you out you will not be able to move forward. Continuing under false pretenses will not give you the chance to build up any form of relationship, and then there's the question, does she want to continue with this marriage, and after knowing how she feels, would you want to continue? I think you are doing the right thing by trying to find out what's going on, but you need to be more persistent and deal with this before anyone gets more hurt.